Life Is Meant to Be Uncomfortable (Part I)

I'm struggling with an uncomfortable idea: that if my life is comfortable, I'm living it wrong. I've been feeling more and more lately that I need to choose harder things for the greatest good for myself and others. It makes me uneasy.

Have you ever thought about how easy it is to be selfish in life? All I want to is to have a job I like, make a decent income, have fun, have good relationships with friends and family, and to enjoy my free time. It's easy enough to do in most places in America. I don't want to be faced with uncomfortable realities about other people's lives. I don't want to be aware of other suffering and impossible problems while I live the life I want. Even if I'm aware of injustice or pain, there's too much of it in the world for me to do anything about, so it's easier to just shut out the reality that other people are living. It's easy to ignore messages from other people who want to help and instead watch old shows and movies on Netflix.

I've had one time in my life where I had to face hardship every day. It was on the 18-month mission I served for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints in the East Coast. I'm typically a quiet girl and a bit of a homebody. I hate arguments and conflict and most types of unnecessary "drama." I'm easy going and unobtrusive. I like being left to live my own life the way I want, and I don't tell people how to run their lives. I was going to college and I loved cultures and travel.

I moved from Utah where we tend to dominate the local culture. Certainly we dominate the history of the state. Our churches dominate more than any other religion. You can't hide from us, and you can't fight us too much, because whether you are Mormon or not, whether you like us or not, we are part of the reality of living in Utah. I was normal and average. From here, I moved East where opinions run strong against us and many other religions. By putting on a name tag and approaching someone's front door, I changed from being an unassuming, normal, 22-year old woman who liked people and was going places to an ignorant, brainwashed member of cult destined for hell and determined to take as many people with me as I could.

I was astonished at how some people treated me. I was hurt that people judged me so quickly and never showed a thread of interest in the fact that I was a person. Sometimes, I just wanted to tell people about who I am. Regardless of their interest in my message, I wanted to feel human. Not everyone was bad. I had a number of people who politely declined to hear our message, but brought us in during hot summers for cold water or juice or in during the freezing winters to warm up. But sometimes I struggled with what I was doing. I often felt that people are going to be the way they are and nothing I was doing would change them. Some people wanted to be ignorant and mean. Some people really did feel happy by doing things to make us feel bad, even bringing us to tears sometimes. I'm lucky I'm a girl, because I truly believe most people held back the worst in themselves that they wouldn't hold back for the two boys in tags who might end up at their door.

Sometimes people's opinions of me started to get to me. Maybe what I was doing was wrong. I was bothering people. By knocking on someone's door (or sometimes just even existing) I was disrupting people. How rude. I was asking them to change something. Terrible. I was disrupting their status quo. Who did I think I was? Many times I wanted to shrink back and go home to Utah where I could be myself.

I didn't want to be a quitter though. So I stayed for the full term. I'm so glad I did. I learned a lot through the constant and daily struggle. Sometimes it seems that everyone else's opinions would overwhelm me, but eventually, I began to learn to care less about the criticizing voices, and I learned to listen to my own and God's. God's voice, and my own, got stronger. I began feeling more confident. I knew what I was doing was important. I knew it was right. I knew it was good. It was freeing to decide and actually believe that the dissenting voices didn't matter. They lost their ability to hurt me. It was amazing. I knew what was happening. I knew I'd never be as shy and insecure as I'd been before. I knew I could do hard things in the face of large opposition. I knew I could stand out separately from the voices of the world.

It wasn't long after I got home though that with the lack of constant opposition I began to get lax and comfortable again. While I did change irreversibly in some ways, some habits like avoiding potential conflicts through passivity came back. I had small reminders from time to time that I was getting complacent, but I was quick to justify myself.

It started changing as I began reading for one of my classes "Strength to Love" by Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. This book was full of great quotes, philosophies and ideas that kept chipping away at my justifications for living the easy life. Here are some examples:

Many people fear nothing more terribly than to take a position that stands out sharply and clearly from the prevailing opinion. The tendency of most is to adopt a view that is so ambiguous that it will include everything and so popular that it will include everybody...Not a few men, who cherish lofty and noble ideals, hide them under a bushel for fear of being called different...How few people have the audacity to express publicly their convictions, and how many  have allowed themselves to be 'astronomically intimidated'!" (14)

In what ways have I allowed myself to be "astronomically intimidated?" What do I do to soften my beliefs or convictions in the face of people who I think may disagree?

Everybody seeks to be well-adjusted...but there are some things in our world to which men of goodwill must be maladjusted. I confess that I never intend to become adjusted to the evils of segregation and the crippling effects of discrimination...Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted.

Am I adjusted to the evils and injustices around me?

This has been a beginning to the call I feel that I'm getting to go back into the flames as it were. More on the next post (Part II).

Getting back on the Bandwagon

Ok,

I was going strong for a while with an uber-productive schedule. I was sleeping about four hours a night (a first for me) and getting so much done during the day. Then I got sick and I haven't yet made it back to the same productivity level even though the illness has gone.

It's easy to get depressed at these times for me. Luckily, I had a book I was reading that really helped. It's called "Change the World: How Ordinary People Can Accomplish Extraordinary Results" by Robert E. Quinn (now in My Favorite Books section to the right.)

I was thinking about all the ways I feel incompetent or incapable and wishing I was different when I came across this gem:

We feel bad, in part, because we know that we have the potential to be more than we are, yet here we are choosing to behave in ways that increasingly diminish the self. The more divided we become, the more disempowered, worthless, and unlovable we feel. The divided self is the diminished self, the self in the process of deterioration and slow death. (pg. 78)

I thought, this is how I feel right now! So I kept reading to find what the solution was and I found this:

To be fully alive, we need to be engaged with what is really happening around us from moment to moment [Quinn calls this "emergent reality"]...but to engage emergent reality often means that we won't have all the answers, we will have to learn as we go. In the midst of uncertainty, we have to come up with creative solutions. Then through trial and error, we have to mold the potential solution into something that will work.

Quinn suggests that being able to regularly do this gives us "unconditional confidence, that is, confidence that comes from knowing that we can learn our way through virtually any situation."

I sometimes trap myself in a paradox, and I've noticed other people doing it to. I get trapped in the idea that I can't do something until I can gain more confidence, but it's in doing difficult things that we gain it.

So I'm trying to wade in to the mess I've created by my own procrastination and dealing with it as best as I can. I'm already feeling a lot better, and I'm making progress, I'm gaining more and more hope. I'm still not there yet. I feel I may not get there completely until after I graduate and can finally say, "Yes! I actually did it!" It's tough because now is the time I need to really be looking at jobs but I still don't feel like I can look potential employers in the face and tell them that I'm an idea candidate for their company and why.

But! I'm getting there. Life is full of trying. Progress comes in *constantly* facing fears, inadequacies, and uncertainty.

I hope you may do the same.